I enjoy constantly drilling down to the bedrock of understanding. Scraping the lowest levels of logic and the human psyche and seeing what still remains. I read today that all decisions are based on either love or fear. At first I was dubious. All decisions? Do I buy celery this week because I love it? I do not. Gross, stringy stuff made of water and fiber and, ech! Did I buy it because I fear it? I do not… or do I? Oh, I don’t want to get on the wrong side of that celery! It could attack!

Maybe I am dismissing this idea too quickly.

Love.

Such a simple, complex, broad, yet understandable word. Love. Love for the family. Love for a friend. Love for a partner. Love for your job. Love for a photo on Instagram. All love. All different degrees of it, different shades.

I do agree, many of our decisions are indeed based on love. I love you so I will marry you. I love you so I protect you, I work hard at work to bring home cash for us to build a life together. I love my job, and I want to do well at it. I love helping those around me, my company, my co-workers, my clients.

Thus… while I may not love celery, I do love my family and want the best for them. I buy celery because my daughter B has such a huge smile on her face when she eats it, and tells the best stories at the kitchen table when she’s munching down on those dreaded celery sticks. Add peanut butter, raisins, instant ants on a log. I love seeing my daughter laugh. Celery bought for love!

Okay, sure. Now, how about fear?

I am afraid of going down that dark alley tonight, so I do not. I am afraid of missing my train, so I leave at the right time. I am afraid of hitting a deer on my drive home, so I slow down. I am afraid of looking silly at a Halloween party, so I do not wear the matching costume with my wife.

Not me. You. Or you. I would wear the silly costume, even if it had a red wig and makeup, because I love my wife.

Huh.

Why am I talking about this? Because in my ponderings, I stumbled upon the oddest ball to toss around. The idea that both love and fear can motivate us, through different means, to the exact same ends.

I work hard because I love my job.

I work hard because I am afraid to lose my job.

I eat healthy because I love my body.

I eat healthy because I’m afraid of being called fat.

I stay up too late because I love watching TV.

I stay up late because I’m afraid to sit with my thoughts in the dark.

Is love always better than fear? Or is one simply the push and the other the pull? And are these two the only levers that are used in all of our decisions? Could there be something else?

This led me into ponderings over trust. Where does trust play into this dichotomy of decision motivators?

Trust. Easily given, easily broken. Like a mirror, once cracked, we can overlook the infraction, but never forget. We can give it without reason, we can be hurt continually and yet still trust.

All relationships are built on trust. Trust that your lover won’t betray you. Trust that your employer will pay you. Trust that your family will be there for you when you need them. Or trust that they won’t. Trust that when they do break your heart, you will one day, someday, soon, be able to trust them again.

Many people prefer fresh starts. New people, new stories in which they can begin their bank of trust at a manageable level. Hopeful, and at zero. Leap with a stranger and see where you land. Broken promises and bruises shall be avoided at all costs! Others love the long term, love knowing where you can lean and be safe, knowing where you can push and be abandoned. Yes, there may be scars. Yes, there may be brutal history and pain points. But there is also a great swath of fertile ground where you both feel safe. Stay away from the shards buried, or straight sticking out of the landscape, and no one needs to be cut again.

Trust is built on history. Yet, people change. People make mistakes. People repeat their mistakes. How do you know the difference? Do you trust out of a heart love? Do you trust out of the fear of the unknown?

Do you trust and love despite your fears?

Or do you let fear override your ability to trust ever again?

Oh boy, only three concepts and it’s already so complicated!

While I don’t advise it, it is interesting to consider the experiment, consider how far you could push all those you know in one way or another, see where their love overrides their lack of trust. Witness where love cannot conquer a history or explosion of broken trust. Find the shape of fear in others. Find the shape of fear, In ourselves.

What am I most afraid of? Something that will never come to pass, yet I let it dominate my life? My thoughts? What pains in the past am I still clinging onto, letting the fear of future pain erode my future? What would happen if I chose to love? Choose to trust?

What vegetables are safe to buy, and which will attack us brutally in the dead of the night?

I’m watching you, Celery!

This isn’t a call to be reckless with your life or your heart. Please, do not. Fear is a good thing at times, keeping us from harm, both emotional and physical. Some people will only hurt you. Remember that. Some people we need to let go of… let drift away. Run from as fast as possible. Those kinds of people are nothing but trouble. For the rest, maybe a little bridge of trust, something small, something to rebuild what was lost is in order.

So that love may be reborn.

I find the most important question of all to be…

Why?

Why did I choose to do that? Was it out of love? Fear? Trust? Or some combination of them all? And in knowing why, do I like the why? If I don’t know why, well… then there is still more for me to learn about myself.

I love myself enough to keep searching. I am not afraid of what I’ll find in the deep recesses of my heart. I trust that I am strong enough to admit my mistakes, to grow and to learn how to become a better version of myself.

You can too.