This post is going to be an introspective dive into my year now past and the year yet to come. This is what we all do during the new year, correct? Reflect on yesterday, take a moment to consider what lay behind us, and ponder what will happen next?
Honestly, I’ve been doing that a lot lately… too much really. All throughout the fall and winter… pondering, grieving over loss and heartache, what could have been, what will never be, what I want, what I can’t have, and what I need. What’s possible. How to reach it. Considering the needs of others, placing them over my own, meditating on the impact my actions have on others. How a few bad words can ring and resonate for years. How a smile or a frown, while in the moment, seems so small, can be so much more.
I can’t change the past. I can only move forward from the now. Wherever my head may lay. Whatever bed I have made.
There’s hope! That’s where I eventually land. Where is my place? What brings me joy? What good is there still to be done and what truly matters?
That last question can be overwhelming.
As an adult in the United States, in our current post-modern capitalist culture, with our emphasis on the individual, sometimes I feel like a man on a raft adrift in the ocean. Note, I use all of these qualifiers because I know this is not how life works for others. Duty, expectations, responsibilities, cultural pressures narrow lives. Boxes can be a good thing. Limits create a space for creativity. A blank page is much more intimidating than a writing prompt. Or are they chains that hold us down, keep us from truly flying?
Perspective matters.
Back to me, I am gifted with an abundance of choice. From this point in time, I can create any life I choose (within reason). When I wake up, what I do with my time, what my goals are, how I spend my thoughts, how I spend my life. No one is telling me what I have to do, no one is cheering me on. I have to self-motivate, decide where I step, and know in my heart that it is the journey that truly matters. Outcomes have their place. We cannot judge progress without outcomes, but to do just to do is empty. There needs to be more.
All that being said… I am constantly chasing after the big question. Why? Why do I spend my time here? Why not there? Why does this matter more than that? Why do I spend these moments weighing options and why can’t I just leap in feet first? Sometimes planning is good. Yes. I am reflecting today on the great expanse of time before me, a whole year! (Or maybe not, the continuation of my existence is not guaranteed), and before stepping too far into the future, considering what exactly I should grow.
Deep Breath Out
I was able to take these last two weeks off work over the holidays. Signed out of my computer, set my email auto-response to Away, and (mostly) keep the work out of my mind. As I am writing this, I will be returning to my work in a few hours. During that break I had all of these goals! Time to dig into the projects that have been lagging behind, time to keep building this website and write. Time to read. Time to myself. You know what I did? None of that!
First came the holidays. Prep for Christmas and Christmas activities. Gingerbread house building, light show viewing, shopping, wrapping, cleaning, dinners with laughter, questions from kiddos curious, needing answered one on top of the next.
Then, Christmas Day. It was a good day! The best part of having five kiddos is the joy in each I can share. V and C are still young enough to be enthralled in the magic of the day, B mature enough to have that understanding of the tradition but young enough to know not it all. E and S expectant for their gifts and grateful for what they received. My wife’s parents joined us for lunch and the afternoon, joined us for the chaos of noise and happiness and love. Then, a day of cleanup and preparation for second Christmas! My Brother-in-law and his family joined us on Friday for another day of food and gifts, the 27th a reflection of the 25th in all the best ways.
One week down, a whole week away from work disappeared with busy happiness. Weekend already. The next week? I threw my list out. I let myself rest. No expectations, no goals, no plans. I played Minecraft with the kiddos. Read to them at breakfast every morning. Sat at the table and learned a few new board games, folded laundry while answering more questions, cleaned out a closet, took my time. Watched TV with W at night. Slept in, went slow, felt a little guilty that all of my plans and goals were collecting dust, but in the end I let myself have the break.
That’s one of the secrets of life. Nature teaches us we all need a winter, a time of calm and cold and stillness for spring and summer to be as vibrant as possible. Modern life however, doesn’t like breaks. We’re pressured to squeeze every ounce from every day. Bah on that. Sleep is good. Rest is good. Doing nothing for the sake of doing nothing is good.
What now?
As my time of rest wound down, I became plagued with the question that started this entry, the question of, what next? What goals of mine matter? This website, for instance. It’s a little spot where I speak into the darkness, and very few hear. And that’s on me. No one will know I’m here in my little corner of the internet unless I tell people. Shout it from the rooftops! But sharing with people is hard. I’m not an Instagram or Facebook look-at-me! kind of person. I’m an engineer! My motto is:
“If you don’t know I exist, I’ve done my job well.
If you know who I am, it’s because I messed something up.”
So, how do I shift gears and promote myself? Do I still want to? I love writing and writing into a vacuum like I have done for most of my life, while fulfilling, could be more if I stretch myself. Why not stretch?
Why ever not?
I do not mind failing. I have no problem trying and writing and publishing and building and it going nowhere. Again, the journey matters more than the outcomes. It’s in the trying that builds character! Starting this website has been my attempt to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It’s hard. Some days it’s impossible. I need to keep going.
Perseverance. When times are good, when times are tough. Determination and grit. That’s what I’m trying to build in myself, to encourage in others. Even if there is only one person out there that reads my words and whose life is changed through these thoughts, that’s enough.
That’s the true why for this project, for this space. To try and help others. No one is looking over my shoulder, no one cares if this space lives or dies. Expect me. Maybe in a year I’ll have a community, a group of people who are heartened by my words. What ambitious goals of mine!
Wouldn’t that be something?
I write here for me. I write here for you. I don’t need anything more than that. To know (or not know) that I made a positive impact on others, that there is even a sliver of a chance I am doing something good. And if I can’t even achieve that, to know I have shaped myself into a better person than I was yesterday.
All of that said, Goals!
Goal #1: Three posts here a week. Promotion on social media. One feeds into the other back into the other. Oh, and some more clean-up of the site itself. It’s not there yet, there are pages and spaces that need assistance. I’m learning. We’ll get there.
Fiction Comes Alive!
While creating an ongoing narrative and stream of thought here is ambitious, I’m not done. No ma’am, I have more. I am going to publish novels. Plural. Many, many stories! To this endeavor, I am going to state here my plans to solidify my timeline.
I have three manuscripts done. Deep Blue, Shadowalker, and The Man they Called Forty-Seven. They still need to be copy-edited for final errors. They need cover art and an avenue to be put in your hands. I have tried to query them to find representation to no avail. They might be no good. That’s possible. I believe my lack of forward progress is due to a lack of presence. Who would take a risk on an unknown author who has no digital footprint? The agent would have to really love my work and it be a story that fits in their portfolio properly to even be considered. So, instead of whining that no one likes me, I’m going to move forward as opportunity allows. Fix the digital footprint (see goal above) and self-publish. The pitfall here is I also need to self-market. At least the books will soon be out there. Available for purchase first, then promotion second.
My fourth story, Geode, I plan to use as a driver for this website. I plan to upload a chapter a week on Saturdays, give people a reason to come back every week and see what’s new. Will it work? Dunno. Will I learn and be trying? Yes. Then, once it’s uploaded and available for free, I can also publish it for those who want the whole thing in physical form.
Goal #2: Publish Deep Blue by March. Possibly ambitious, we’ll see what roadblocks come up and I might have to delay, but not forever. We’ll make it happen. Additionally, keep posting Geode once a week, fix that stories part of the website for easier readability, and publish it in full before the year’s over.
Life in General
These next few bits are more for my personal life, more for me. The goals outside of this attempt to become a storyteller. Listen along, my friend!
A few years ago, I came to the conclusion that I only have so much bandwidth in my life, especially with five kiddos, that what matters, matters, and what doesn’t matter isn’t worth my attention.
Sure, there is a lot of life that I will never experience. So be it. We cannot have it all. I may want it all, but either through other’s choices, or timing, or luck, or fate, we cannot have it all. I can despair over what I don’t have, or I can enjoy to the fullest what I do.
Let’s enjoy what I do!
Goal #3: Reading. I was able to pick up and read through sixty+ books in the last two years. I’m going to keep that fire going. I love reading and experiencing other’s stories, learning new things, engaging my mind. Can we get through thirty-five this year? Maybe. Either-or, you’ll see my thoughts pop up here.
Goal #4: Exercise. The mind of a healthy human is contained within a healthy body. Staying active and being consistent in my fitness and diet is important for all of the above. It’s all tied together. Work the mind, work the body, rest, repeat. Push the mind, push the body, rest, repeat.
Goal #5: Relationships. My kiddos are my heart and joy. I can work constantly to love my wife well. I have the great opportunity to enrich all their lives. My extended family, my friends, my co-workers, strangers, all those in my sphere of influence, great and small, I can brighten their lives with a smile. A hello. An ear when they need someone to listen. A gift, small tokens to show they matter. There is nothing better than throwing confetti at someone (metaphorically) for no other reason than because I can!
Goal #6: Household: There will always be chores to do, finances to wrangle, laundry to fold, sinks to fix, and clutter to declutter. Similar to the maintenance of my mind and body, remaining on top of my space allows me to focus better on the task at hand.
Goal #7: Rest: Why put rest on my list of goals? Because without it being a priority I could forget about it. I am not a superhuman. My plate is only so large. I need to do all I can then be okay with not doing any more. I have limits. That’s a good thing. I need help at times too. I cannot carry it all on my shoulders alone. I need to set down my burdens here and there, with other’s help, to remain strong for all those who count on me.
Today… is a beginning, a continuation of the ongoing thread that is my life.
For you, for me, there is hope. Let’s keep working hard together!